English

I always love English. I am not born in a English speaking family We only speak English occasionally. That would be a mixture with Kadazan, Dusun and Malay. In short we speak ‘rojak’ at home. My fond of English comes out when my family was transferred to Lahad Datu. There I have many Filipinos friends who are quite good in English. Besides, in order to understand my teacher for catechism (Sunday school) I must have extensively quite good command of English. Not wanting to be left behind, I polished my English. I have no regret in doing so. After SPM I further my study in TESL. Though it was never my choice by that time but I have no other option. I always want to do law but never have the support. So here I am being an English teacher who often hears complaints from students that English is hard. Kids…if you say English is difficult then why you never get extinction in your BM either... make sense kan…These kids always give the same old-lame-rotten excuses. Yet I never doubt that English is a crazy language. Learning one grammar rule to another will lead to insanity. In the end, only common sense sounds right.

English is one of the noblest bodies of literature yet is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, neither pine nor apple in pineapple, and no ham in hamburger. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candy, while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But when we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither a pig nor from Guinea.
And why is it that a writer writes, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn’t the plural of booth be beeth? One goose, two geese- so one mouse, two meese? One index, two indices – one Kleenex, two Kleenices?
If the teacher taught, why isn’t it true that the preacher praught? If a horsehair mat is made from the hair of horses and a camel’s hair coat from the hair of camels, from what is a mohair coat made from? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Well kids, English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which of course, isn’t really a race at all). That is why, when stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch I start it, but when I wind up this essay I end it.

Adapted from – Richard Lederer